Spa Break

It is impossible to stay in any hotel in Ireland nowadays without feeling compelled to escape the stresses of modern life by spending a couple of hours revitalising and rejuvenating in the luxury Spa. "Your health and wellbeing journey awaits you.... From the moment you walk through the doors your journey to tranquility and relaxing begins, feel the stress of life leaving your body, as you slowly inhale the delicate scent of natural oils... Embark on a delicious journey of self-discovery..." How can Wine Goose possibly resist all that the promotional literature offers?

Recent experience has suggested that these are all very similar havens - dark caves with lots of scented candles, twinkling lights in the ceiling, the sound of dolphins groaning or the dreaded pan-pipes playing in the background and smiling therapists all contrive to soothe us into a feeling of relaxation and well-being. An hour or two in this atmosphere and Wine Goose should positively float back up to the bedroom.

The occasion is a long overdue night away with the 'girls' (an awful Americanism that permits us to think that we are much younger than we actually are). We arrive at the hotel on the Saturday afternoon, and as soon as our blood pressure has returned to normal after discovering that our reservations have been mixed up, we make our way to the Spa in robes and slippers, with hair scraped back and faces cleansed of make-up. It is of course inevitable that, looking like this, one of us bumps into an old flame in full conference attire - suit, tie and over-sized name badge legible from 50 paces. The embarrassment is acute; we all blush and behave like 16 year olds, before vowing to make it a ladies only venue the next time. At the current rate that's another 10 years away and all the old flames will probably have retired by then so our fears are surely groundless.

Wine Goose has booked a deluxe facial and eye lift lasting 90 minutes. This facial treatment "concentrates on reviving the skins natural moisture and pays particular attention to the delicate eye area, helping to minimise the appearance of fine lines." The therapist will be spending more time on my skincare in one afternoon than I've spend in the last 5 years, so I'm expecting to emerge transformed. Her name is unpronounceable, she is young and unlined, and she talks me soothingly through each stage of the process. I am then guided to the Relaxation Room - more twinkling lights and scented candles - where I am instructed to drink lots of water. I fill a plastic glass from the water cooler, settle myself on a recliner, and promptly fall into a deep sleep. I wake up and have no idea where I am so I stumble out of the room, before trying to feel my way back down a dark corridor to the exit. Eventually I make it back to the bedroom where I find my friends in a similar state of greasy facedness.

The high point of the stay is the dinner, more importantly the conversation, gossip and red wine that we enjoy over dinner. Having chosen lamb as our main course, we allow the sommelier to suggest an Argentian Malbec to accompany it. It's a very good recommendation and matches the lamb perfectly, but when it comes to ordering a second bottle we opt for a Spanish Rioja, something we all enjoy, and on this particular night, to excess.

The next morning we are all slightly delicate. Add the dehydrating effects of too much overpriced and mediocre red wine to hotelface and Wine Goose appears to have actually accelerated the ageing process. Not only that but she has parted with her hard-earned cash for the privilege. Next time, she vows, it will be a straightforward manicure, followed by a full 60 minutes passed out in the Relaxation Room. From this she will emerge refreshed, and more importantly with something to show for her time. The polish will have dried to such an extent that no chips will appear, and should therefore be able to withstand even the most demanding glass lifting it is forced to undergo.

Paying a hotel bill is never a pleasant experience, especially when the extras make the room rate appear reasonable. Not only will I spend more wisely when it comes to treatments, I decide, I will also invest in a padiwrap, a neat little 2 bottle carrier which fits snugly into most suitcases. This will have added bonus of removing Wine Goose and her gaggle from the restaurant at a crucial point, no doubt depriving fellow diners of our lively and entertaining conversation, as we continue to enjoy a few glasses of wine in the comfort and privacy of our bedroom.

What to put in the padiwrap? The experts have yet to suggest a wine that is suitable for consumption in vast quantities long after the food has gone, and Wine Goose is not going to be the first. Choose something you know and like, and make sure that the alcohol content doesn't exceed 12.5%. You'll thank me the next morning.