SUV or not SUV

The 'if only everything in life was as reliable' car has developed a wheeze. It sounds a bit like the exhaust is falling off, except that exhausts don't fall off cars nowadays, especially cars that spend their lives gliding around the flat-surfaced familiarity of the suburbs between schools, playdates and tennis lessons. This happens soon after a two-day stay in the garage for the car equivalent of a hip replacement. Lots of new spark plugs can't prevent the inevitable so Wine Goose is faced with the prospect of trading her in for a younger model.

Wine Goose is a woman, and so she takes a practical approach to choosing a replacement vehicle. What she needs is something that holds three passengers most of the time, but sometimes has to carry five, four of whom require booster seats. This because our socialite daughter likes to bring her friends home in pairs, and younger brother cannot just yet be left in charge of the house while I get the girls home. Anyone who has transported children in recent years will know that is not physically possible to fit three booster seats across the back seat of a normal saloon car. Environmentalists and right-on types can moan all they like about the prevalence of off-road vehicles on the streets of the suburbs, but it seems that as soon as the third child arrives the saloon must go, to be replaced by a 7 seater.

Wine Goose will not consider a people carrier. These vehicles are designed for mothers of large families (nowadays defined as 3 or more children) who devote their entire lives to ferrying children. This is definitely not the message about herself that Wine Goose wants to send out to fellow road users. Mr R gently tries to steer her towards a Sports Utility Vehicle (SUV). Good idea, I respond. 'How about a Jeep Grand Cherokee?' He is momentarily stunned. He expected a vehement no. 'I was thinking more along the lines of a Volvo XC90 or BMW X5' is the response. Aha, all his research has been conducted in the car park of the self-described 'exclusive leisure club' that relieves us of a sizable portion of our disposable income each month. Strange, I always think, that exclusive should not include enough car parking spaces for members, but the upside is that Mr R has had plenty of time to check out the merchandise while circling in search of a space. 'A Jeep Grand Cherokee' he repeats slowly, indicating to Wine Goose that he has never seen or heard of such a thing. He consults his well-thumbed SIMI (Society of the Irish Motor Industry) handbook, which gives the prices for all new cars, and nods sagely. It is clearly a ridiculous proposition, not least because it is all of 3 feet longer than our front driveway and would permanently obstruct the footpath. I remind Mr R that when first we met I was driving a Citroen 2CV, and probably still would be, if it were an option. My current car, while certainly not iconic, does contribute in a small way to the sense of individuality I like to think I have retained despite conforming in so many ways (3 bed semi-d, 2.2 children, husband a member of the professional classes - need I go on).

We take a break from our discussion and Wine Goose serves an open roast chicken and salad sandwich, accompanied by a glass of Rizzardi Pinot Grigio 2006 (€9.99). Pinot Grigio, with it's light, lemony characteristics is typically discounted as only suitable for summer drinking, however this single vineyard wine displays a lovely creamy nuttiness, and is full of delicious flavours of peaches and pears. A little glass of joy.

Replete, Wine Goose is inspired to question Mr R further about his choices. By now we are both fully aware of the carbon footprint (bad) and safety (also bad) issues associated with driving such monsters, so instead I focus purely on aesthetics. For example, does the purchase price include sufficient beauty salon, hairstylist, chi-chi boutique and liposuction vouchers to ensure that the driver of such a vehicle never leaves the house looking less than fantastic? Or does the car dealer politely but firmly turn away all potential drivers who don't meet the grooming and deportment criteria imposed by the manufacturer?

We are not getting very far. Belatedly I decide to find out about the regulations governing child safety in cars. Google directs me to the Road Safety Authority (RSA) website, which (in common with most 'official' websites) has lots of useful information for those who speak gobbledygook. A little more searching and the equivalent UK (also subject to EU laws) road safety website proves much more informative and user-friendly. From their FAQs I am amazed to learn the following: 'In many cars, there is not room for three child seats across the rear seat. If two occupied child seats or boosters prevent the fitting of a third, and the front seat is not available, a third child aged 3 years and over may then use just an adult belt in the rear. This may be a lap belt. It would be safer for the third child to travel in the front seat and use the correct child seat or booster but see below about air-bags. In all my school-gate conversations on the subject nobody has been able to supply any such rational or clear information. Spread the word.

I order the child car safety booklet from the RSA but it never arrives. I then book my car an appointment with the mechanic and mentally prepare myself for the humiliation every woman has to face as he explains that the problem was really very easily fixed, and then overcharges me for the privilege of fixing it. I cut the arms off a polystyrene booster cushion and fit it snugly in the middle of the back seat. I invest €12.99 in a booster cushion for the front seat. The front passenger airbag was already disconnected when I bought the car so I now find myself in the enviable position of having one of the smallest cars capable of safely transporting four children in all of suburbia. I decide against asking Mr R to gift me the car purchase price that my research has saved.